Every once in a while, I reach a kind of emotional dead-end. I feel like that there is no hope and, at the same time, feelings of self-loathing overcome me. I feel the pressure of everything I didn't do or didn't do as well as I wanted. There are many things that I miss and sometimes, they come at it me all at the same time. This overflow of emotions drains me and makes painfully aware of the choices I made. Did I do the right thing?
Sometimes I feel that I'm addicted to sadness and I'm taken by a sudden morbid curiosity. I don't become suicidal, but I get very curious about what awaits at the other side. Perhaps, after we die, there is just nothingness, but sometimes, I feel that I must know. Now.
And then, I realize that life is but a choice. When you feel lethargic and can't summon enough strength to get out of bed, you start to realize that nothing is really mandatory. I don't have to live, I am master of my fate and if I feel like it, I can just end it all. Not that I'd like to do that, but it is recomforting to know that there is always a way out.
There is something beautiful about true sadness. The winter-like sorrow that cuts your body like a storm and invites reflection and introspection.
Sorrow Soundtrack (easily found on Youtube):
Pain of Salvation (Progressive Metal) - Undertow
Dream Theater (Progressive Metal) - Repentance
Lacrimosa (Gothic rock) - Warum so tief?, Sacrifice
Pink Floyd (Progressive rock) - Comfortably Numb, Hey you, The Gunner's Dream
(Actually "The Wall" and "The Final Cut" albums by Pink Floyd are a great soundtrack for sorrow )
Morbydia (Gothic/Doom Metal) - Presence
Theatre of Tragedy (Gothic Metal) - And When He Falleth
Enslaved (Black Metal) - Lunar Force, As Fire Swept Clean the Earth